I’ve been in a pretty dry season lately. I’ve been finding it difficult to even pick up my Bible or spend time with God every day. When I do read, or listen to a podcast, I feel like it’s so forced. I’m not doing it because I want to…I’m making myself do it because I have to, I feel obligated to fulfill my ritualistic good-little-Christian duties so I don’t look like a hypocrite.
But I hate that.
I have allowed God - my Heavenly Father, my Lord and Savior, the Lover of my soul, my Redeemer, my King - to slip into the classification of “acquaintance,” that vast category where I keep all of the people I say I care about but rarely make an effort to see, talk to or spend time with.
My God. The Holy of holies. Merely an acquaintance.
WHAT?
I’ve sacrificed a real relationship with the Lord, one that fulfills my every longing, one that brings light in the darkness, one that guides, comforts and protects me, one tremendously more important than any other…to satisfy my own laziness. And my guilt is the only thing that (sometimes) drives me back. But that just makes me feel even more guilty for allowing distractions to rearrange my priorities.
I hit a brick wall and just give up.
Which is the point, right? I wind up exactly where the enemy wanted me all along.
Disconnected and accepting defeat because I’m just too tired of trying.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about this struggle. I told him I know what I need to do to get out of this rut, but…I just don’t want to. I am completely lacking motivation and I’m bored. Bored with God’s Word.
There. I said it. The honest truth.
But I felt like I needed to whisper this confession, as if somehow the big man upstairs wouldn’t be able to hear my shameful secret. Just verbalizing it flooded me with guilt.
That’s when my friend shared with me a new perspective that changed everything.
He told me I shouldn’t feel so guilty about making myself spend time with God because I feel like I have to. It’s in those times that I really touch His heart. He knows I’m forcing it, but that means I’m fighting for our relationship. I may think I have no motivation, but just simply trying is me recognizing the importance of spending time with Him and allowing the weight of that to motivate me.
He even told me to actually tell God how I feel! Like, “Hey God, do you know how boring your Word is?”
What?! I couldn’t possibly…
But why not? Why should I pretend I love it and I’m getting something out of it? Why should I ignore Him altogether just because I’m bored? Instead, why not just tell Him? Why not just be honest and ask Him to help me become excited about learning and growing through the gift of scripture?
Why not?
This insight hit me hard. Up to that point, I hadn’t really been allowing the weight of who God is to me and in my life to wash over me. I understood and recognized the magnitude of God, but I somehow managed to neglect the importance of my relationship with Him. But my Father delights in me coming to Him when I find it the hardest. As I let it sink in, I started to feel that old familiar excitement coming out of hiding and rising back to the surface. The guilt disappeared. Just like that. Suddenly, I found my motivation.
I wanted to fight.
The very next day I woke up with that unwanted feeling of reluctance. But something was different this time. It was a new day, and a brand new battle to take on. This time I wasn’t backing down. I asked God to help me fight, to restore my joy in the time I spend with Him, to show me that it means something…
“May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.” - Psalm 104:34
This is what I read that day. You can’t even tell me that’s a coincidence.
THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE LOVES TO COMMUNICATE WITH US! If I could yell this to you, I would. So I hope the boldness and obnoxious capitalization of this statement makes my point. He specializes in meeting us right where we are, finding us in our struggle, and bringing us hope! When you directly encounter the Lord in those times that are so boring, but so very sacred to Him, it is the most beautiful reassurance. God wants to be more than just some really important dude whom we happen to associate with. Dwell in His holiness today. Allow His love and strong desire for You to motivate you. You have the most incredible relationship right in front of you.
Sometimes you have to fight for it.
