Be My Strength

A few months ago, I wrote about learning to fight. Fighting for my relationship with Jesus. Fighting my boredom and lack of motivation. Fighting the lies I’m told (“there are other things I should be doing”) and the lies I tell (“I can’t find the time”). Why? Because God delights in us making that effort when it’s hardest!

At the time that I wrote that post, that was a message that brought me a resurgence of motivation and a fresh desire to really fight.

But then I got tired. Somewhere along the line, I just…stopped. I pulled out of the battle. I gave into my own laziness. I found myself right back where I started.

I’ve been in such an dry season for too long now, one which I have truly desired from the depths of my heart to fight my way out of. And I can honestly say that I’ve tried. But it seems like just as quickly as I rediscover that excitement I’ve been missing, an all-too-familiar reluctance creeps back in and takes over. Somehow I find my Father back at the bottom of my priority list. I feel awful about it, truly, and my heart aches for that fleeting feeling of satisfaction in the Lord to just…stay.

But I don’t know what to do. Every time I start to fight, I get discouraged and run away from the battle. Because it’s exhausting! I feel like I’ve pleaded enough with the Lord to just show up…so where is He? Why am I still struggling? Why hasn’t He come to meet me here in my weakness? Why does it feel like I’m putting in all the work and God is ignoring me? All lies, I know, but realizing that still doesn’t make it any easier.

Recently God pressed on my heart to read the story of Jesus healing the paralytic (Mark 2:3-12 and Luke 5:18-26). Here we have a man who was unable to walk, so four of his friends carried him on a mat to a house where Jesus was teaching. Once there, there was such a large crowd that they couldn't get to him. So they carried their friend to the roof, dug a hole through it, and lowered him down right in front of Jesus. It was there at His feet that the man was not only healed, but his sins were forgiven - his deepest need. All because “Jesus saw their faith.” All of them. Each one of them, the man and his friends, believed (not just hoped, but truly believed) that if they could just get to Jesus, he would be healed.

Neither Mark nor Luke tell us how the man’s journey began, whether he asked his friends to carry him or they saw his need and took it upon themselves to get him there, but either way, one thing is definitely clear - he could not do it alone. I wondered if maybe the man, knowing he could not get to Jesus on his own, pushed his embarrassment aside, humbled himself, and asked his friends to believe with him and carry him.

This is where it all started to sink in and I understood the connection to my situation. I need Jesus. Desperately. I know that. I believe that in Him I will find revival. If I could just get to Jesus…if I could just open my Bible and find the strength to fight my boredom… But no matter how much I try to fight, at this point I have just become so weak that I can’t do it alone. Like the man (though the scenario may be hypothetical), I need to ask friends to help me, to fight with me, to carry me to the feet of Jesus.

Despite how weak and defeated I’ve felt, I’ve still continued to search for my own solutions, tried to motivate myself and hold myself accountable. But this is where community and fellowship are such a gift! When we find it hard to connect with a deity which we cannot see or hear, when we have trouble feeling the presence of our Savior and His power in our daily lives, our most valuable and vital resource is our friends! When our faith is weak, it’s the faith of others that we can lean on.

As I thought about all of this, I knew that was exactly what I needed. Instantly three very special girls in my life came to mind. So I abandoned my stubborn “I can do this on my own” mentality, approached each of them, and humbly asked if they would be my strength, if they would carry me to the feet of my Jesus so that in Him I can find a way to get up and walk on my own again.

From each of them I was met with such grace, understanding and support. They each encouraged me in unique and beautiful ways…one immediately grabbed my hands and prayed for me, wasting no time in approaching the throne on my behalf. Another covered me with verse after verse of scriptures that spoke so clearly to my situation, reminding me of the truth, promises and faithfulness of our God. The other followed up a few days later with a text asking me how I planned on spending time with Jesus that day, holding me accountable to the fight I had committed to months ago, determined not to let me give up this time.

These girls have blessed me tremendously in the ways that they have carried me so far - and it has only been a couple weeks! I have been so inspired by the faith of my friends as they’ve fought with and for me…making me wonder more about the friends of the paralytic...

Maybe the man was like me, very stubborn and sulking in his disability. It’s possible that, before he understood his desperate need to be carried, his friends recognized his need first and were the ones to approach him and offer their help.

Once again, this got me thinking…there are certainly people in my life who are in a similar position to where I am, needing to be carried, but not knowing how to ask. There are also others who may not recognize the areas of their life in which they need Jesus most in the first place. Sometimes it just takes someone else noticing…

As I’ve drawn nearer to God, I’ve felt motivated to do whatever I can to carry others, starting with those who are carrying me. Each of them have different needs which they can use encouragement and accountability for, and I want to offer that to them in any way I can. I put a post-it note on my bathroom mirror where I’ll see it throughout the day that says, “Who are you carrying to the feet of Jesus today?” Each time I see it, I am reminded to pray for these girls and strive to be to them what they have been to me on this journey. Committing to this myself has built up my determination to fight for my own faith in a way I never expected…and it has been beautiful.


“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.” (Isaiah 42:3, NIV)


Maybe you’re weak and struggling today. Maybe you’re feeling useless and defeated. But remember this - like the reed, you may be bent, but you are not broken. Like the wick, your fire may have dwindled to just about nothing, but it has not gone out completely. Jesus does not write us off when we are weak. You’re not beyond mending, and all it takes is just a spark to grow into a blazing fire.

Whatever you do, don’t give in to the lie that you have to do your own mending or fuel your own fire. Embrace the precious gift to be found in the prayers and support of friends. Ask them to carry you to Jesus and lay you at His feet. And when you find the strength…do the same for someone else. We were never meant to fight alone.

A Holy Acquaintance

I’ve been in a pretty dry season lately. I’ve been finding it difficult to even pick up my Bible or spend time with God every day. When I do read, or listen to a podcast, I feel like it’s so forced. I’m not doing it because I want to…I’m making myself do it because I have to, I feel obligated to fulfill my ritualistic good-little-Christian duties so I don’t look like a hypocrite.

But I hate that.

I have allowed God - my Heavenly Father, my Lord and Savior, the Lover of my soul, my Redeemer, my King - to slip into the classification of “acquaintance,” that vast category where I keep all of the people I say I care about but rarely make an effort to see, talk to or spend time with.

My God. The Holy of holies. Merely an acquaintance.

WHAT?

I’ve sacrificed a real relationship with the Lord, one that fulfills my every longing, one that brings light in the darkness, one that guides, comforts and protects me, one tremendously more important than any other…to satisfy my own laziness. And my guilt is the only thing that (sometimes) drives me back. But that just makes me feel even more guilty for allowing distractions to rearrange my priorities.

I hit a brick wall and just give up.

Which is the point, right? I wind up exactly where the enemy wanted me all along.

Disconnected and accepting defeat because I’m just too tired of trying.

I recently had a conversation with a friend about this struggle. I told him I know what I need to do to get out of this rut, but…I just don’t want to. I am completely lacking motivation and I’m bored. Bored with God’s Word.

There. I said it. The honest truth.

But I felt like I needed to whisper this confession, as if somehow the big man upstairs wouldn’t be able to hear my shameful secret. Just verbalizing it flooded me with guilt.

That’s when my friend shared with me a new perspective that changed everything.

He told me I shouldn’t feel so guilty about making myself spend time with God because I feel like I have to. It’s in those times that I really touch His heart. He knows I’m forcing it, but that means I’m fighting for our relationship. I may think I have no motivation, but just simply trying is me recognizing the importance of spending time with Him and allowing the weight of that to motivate me.

He even told me to actually tell God how I feel! Like, “Hey God, do you know how boring your Word is?”

What?! I couldn’t possibly…

But why not? Why should I pretend I love it and I’m getting something out of it? Why should I ignore Him altogether just because I’m bored? Instead, why not just tell Him? Why not just be honest and ask Him to help me become excited about learning and growing through the gift of scripture?

Why not?

This insight hit me hard. Up to that point, I hadn’t really been allowing the weight of who God is to me and in my life to wash over me. I understood and recognized the magnitude of God, but I somehow managed to neglect the importance of my relationship with Him. But my Father delights in me coming to Him when I find it the hardest. As I let it sink in, I started to feel that old familiar excitement coming out of hiding and rising back to the surface. The guilt disappeared. Just like that. Suddenly, I found my motivation.

I wanted to fight.

The very next day I woke up with that unwanted feeling of reluctance. But something was different this time. It was a new day, and a brand new battle to take on. This time I wasn’t backing down. I asked God to help me fight, to restore my joy in the time I spend with Him, to show me that it means something…

“May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.” - Psalm 104:34

This is what I read that day. You can’t even tell me that’s a coincidence.

THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE LOVES TO COMMUNICATE WITH US! If I could yell this to you, I would. So I hope the boldness and obnoxious capitalization of this statement makes my point. He specializes in meeting us right where we are, finding us in our struggle, and bringing us hope! When you directly encounter the Lord in those times that are so boring, but so very sacred to Him, it is the most beautiful reassurance. God wants to be more than just some really important dude whom we happen to associate with. Dwell in His holiness today. Allow His love and strong desire for You to motivate you. You have the most incredible relationship right in front of you.

Sometimes you have to fight for it.

Finding Normal

Comfortably chaotic.

That’s how I would describe my past two years.

I started out standing on stage each night with a huge sign behind me displaying the word “Rewind,” the theme of my first tour, only to walk off and hit fast-forward again. Before I knew it I was embarking on a second journey with SRT on the “One Night Stand” tour, though it was more like 77 nights of running and trying to do 15 things at one time - anything but one night of just standing. I completed the same lengthy to-do list every show day and didn’t stop moving until my head hit the pillow, usually sometime after midnight. I spent hours on a bus or in a truck as the numbers on the odometer rose quickly by the thousands.

(It is clear now that I was rather naive two years ago in committing to blogging my way across the country, so again I find myself apologizing for the silence. Updating family and friends on my travels was much easier through pictures. Oh, the beauty of Instagram.)

But somehow, in the midst of the frenzy, that is where I found the most peace. And it was a peace I had never experienced before. Peace, to me, always meant quiet and relaxation, no demanding schedule or expectations to meet. Just…calm. Now, however, I have come to redefine this idea of peace - or rather suggest that there is more than one way to achieve it.

On the road, there was no such thing as alone time. I spent every single day with 11 other people. Pretty much the only place one could be alone was the bathroom. In fact, one girl I traveled with would often take her Bible and lock herself in a hotel bathroom for an hour, reading, praying and singing. At first I thought she was crazy, but after many days when there seemed to be no escape from the noise, I came to understand her chosen sanctuary.

My chosen sanctuary?

The back corner of a crowded bus.

Headphones in.

Volume loud enough to drown out my surroundings.

(Believe it or not, this was not posed. Sometimes it was a shared sanctuary...and my
awesome seat partner and I clearly think a lot alike. Haha)

Due to physical and mental exhaustion, it was definitely a battle at times to pick up my Bible and journal and spend that time with God instead of just spacing out or trying to sleep. And I’ll admit, sometimes I lost the fight. But it was there in that corner that I most often came face to face with the Prince of Peace Himself and felt that I could truly fall into his arms and just…breathe. It didn’t matter how loud the current driver felt he or she needed to blare their music in order to stay awake. Or how many people felt the need to jump up and display their dance moves in the isle. Or how important that conversation between one person in the front of the bus and another in the back was that made it absolutely necessary to yell instead of leaving their seats. In those sacred moments, nothing could distract me from the pure peace I was experiencing.

After two years of such a life style, I had certainly grown quite accustomed to retreating and focusing in the midst of such chaos. So much so that finding the same peace at home became a problem.

I have been off tour for about a month and a half now, and I can only describe what I experienced as culture shock. Sure, I’ve visited home on breaks, but I think the knowledge of that crazy chapter finally being over changed things this time around.

I started to hate silence. I have spent so much of this summer so far home alone, both of my parents at work and my sister off doing her teenage thing with friends and practices almost every day. I’ve had ample time on my hands and the freedom to do whatever I want to do with my days.

But the scenery looks the same every day. No big, new city to explore. No schedule laid out for me. No sea of friends surrounding me. That means there’s NOTHING to do, right?

So I rediscovered TV. And it’s magnetic powers. And how comfortable my living room couch could be while catching up on my DVR library. I spent more time thinking about who I could make plans with, where we could go and what we could do, than I did thinking about how perfect of an opportunity I had to just spend time with the Lord.

I had forgotten how to be alone. I forgot how to enjoy the sunshine in the privacy of my back yard. I forgot the joys of spending hours with my nose in a good book while sipping on a glass of lemonade on the deck. I forgot how relaxing it was to sit behind my keyboard for hours and patiently teach myself an art I've always admired. I forgot how much I love journaling and talking to God about all that I’m learning and how I’m growing. Of course I couldn’t really learn much to write about having also forgotten how beautiful my old, worn Bible is without a layer of dust on it’s cover. I forgot how to live a normal life. Even more so, how to invite Jesus into my new normal and find the peace at home that I’d had on the road.

It’s taken some very intentional quiet times to find a new routine again. Some days I find myself still lacking motivation. But I am slowly moving out of a place of unsettledness to a new peace. Without the chaos. I am learning how to just be and hear God in the silence. I am finding new reasons to appreciate this foreign concept of alone time and make the most of it.

I am about to start a new chapter, moving to Slippery Rock and spending a year as a live-in nanny for a wonderful family. I will be stationary for once. Each week looking much like the last. The scenery remaining the same. With more alone time while the kids are in school than I ever had on the road. And a new kind of peace to go along with it.

My life is anything but normal. I’ve accepted that. But in this next season, I’m going to find normal. And I’m going to embrace it for as long as I have it. At least for a little while… ;)

To Girls Like Me

A year and a half ago, my lovely mentor Heather started a blog for girls called A Girl Like Me. From the start, her heart has been to let young women know that they are not alone in their daily struggles and the ups and downs that life brings, to see them come to know and embrace a truth about themselves and about their Savior that they may have never recognized before or have struggled to believe. The blog quickly grew so much that she invited another beautiful woman of God, Kelly, to become the second half of AGLM. I have gotten to watch their passion for girls evolve into a beautiful ministry that touches and speaks to the hearts of so many readers, including myself. The posts they write contain an honesty that is hard to come by in today's society, but one that is wrapped in love and drenched with grace.

If it isn't obvious enough yet, I absolutely love this blog, admire these women, and believe in the message of life that fills their posts. After the way God has used their words and the way they share their lives to impact my life, needless to say I was recently quite honored to be asked to write a post for them as a guest blogger. I had no idea what to write, but the Lord definitely had something in mind. So I wrote what was on my heart (the only "prompt" I was given), and ended up learning a very important lesson through my own post - I am nothing more than human. So I invite you into my recent journey, to explore what it means to be A Girl Like Me.

Read here, at agirlikeme.com!

Be Still and Love

Love languages. You’ve probably heard of them. According to a book that I have never read (let’s be honest, I googled this out of sheer curiosity), there are five. They are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Though our thoughts often immediately jump to these languages being applied in the context of romantic relationships, they are not limited to this category. We see these in the way our love is expressed in our relationships with parents, siblings, friends, etc.

After taking the online assessment, I discovered that my personal love language is quality time. This makes perfect sense to me as I am definitely aware that I thrive on spending time in deep conversation with, doing something meaningful with, or simply being in the company of those I love. Once I started touring with Silver Ring Thing, I took my love of quality time to the next level, trying to spend as much time as possible with my family and friends before I left in the beginning and when I had breaks from the road. Every time the opportunity arose, I packed my schedule as tightly as possible to make sure I spent time with everyone on the rare occasion that I was home.

That had all been wonderfully satisfying…until I eventually hit a wall of conviction. Isn’t it equally as important that I spend quality time with God as well? Ouch. How much had I really been doing that? I mean, I kept up with a daily devo, but reading a few verses a day is hardly quality time, especially compared to the attention I had been giving everyone else important to me.

After tour ended and I came back home for the summer, I found myself in a rut. I spent nearly every day in a quiet house, alone for most of the day, and never once used that time to pick up my Bible or take a few minutes to talk about life with the big man upstairs. Though my social life has taken a breather for the past few months, I have found plenty of ways to occupy myself while pretty much doing nothing. I have watched movies and way too much tv. I have read several books and visited the social media realm more times than I can count. I have attempted to busy myself with house-cleaning, laundry and dishes. And I have spent hours of my life engrossed in solitaire and Sudoku on my phone.

Though I have had plenty of time on my hands this summer, I have not use it wisely, which has left me with an uncomfortable distance between me and my Heavenly Father. Cue once more that painfully familiar conviction. Sure, I have stepped out of the chaos and kept my calendar pretty empty. I have created a lot more time and space for the most important relationship in my life. I have continued to follow along with each day of my Jesus Calling devotional. Then why have I felt strangely hollow? Where is that fulfillment I so desired back when this conviction hit the first time? It’s not here. Because when I thought I had removed myself from the noise of life, I had really only turned down the volume.

It is in times like these, when my spiritual light bulb starts to flicker, that God really breaks through, speaking to me in a love language not listed in a book. I am forever finding conviction, calling, encouragement, and comfort in music. So of course, as soon as I began to realize how keeping myself wrapped up in a busy social life was causing me to neglect the Lord, and how taking “me” time was distracting me from much needed “we” time, lyrics to a beautiful song reminded me what I need to do.


Young Oceans "I Will Be Still"

I will be still
I will be still
And know
And know
And know You

Though the earth give way
Though the mountains fall to the sea
Though its waters roar
I will cling to Thee

Though the nations rage
And creation yearns for the Lord
Though the earth may melt
I'm forever Yours

There is no fear
As I look upon You

I will be still
I will be still
And know
And know
And know You are God

Forever my Refuge
Forever my Strength
Forever my Helper
Forever my Friend

I will be still
I will be still
And know
And know
And know You are God


Being still is not something I am used to. It’s kind of out of my comfort zone, really. I’m most comfortable being constantly on the move, especially after living the majority of the past year of my life on the road. Even when I think I am taking a break from the continuous motion, my mind is always racing. But that doesn’t allow me to just stop. Listen. Clear my head. Seek the Lord. Watch Him move. Be reminded of His will. Dwell in His Word. How much of a difference can that make in my daily life if I just take 10…20…30 minutes a day and invite Him into the silence…and stillness? I don’t know, and that is why I have recently challenged myself to start being still with God every day. Whether that means reading my Bible, praying, journaling, worshipping, or just resting and listening, I am going to focus on a new love language – being still – and I invite you to join me. Give Him your undivided attention. You never know what God will use that quality time for.

Let's Be Honest...

So I'm lazy.

Let's just get that out of the way.

If there is one thing I've learned being engulfed in tour chaos, it's that when I have free time, the last thing I want to do is talk about how little time I have.

Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. I thrive on a fast-paced lifestyle. Racing from city to city, all over the country, night after night, and working hard all day to bring a crazy show to life for a bunch of teens is an experience I can only describe as exhilarating. But of course I'd be lying if I said I don't crash once the adrenaline stops (bet you can't guess who's passed out on the bus in the top right...).

I mean, let's be honest - I'm downright exhausted. Hence the lack of blog updates since January.

Yeah...about that...

So to bring you up to speed on my past 5 months, the Spring half of tour was way busier than I ever imagined. Despite warnings from the "been-there-done-that's" of the team, I was still shocked when we traveled from Florida to South Carolina to Georgia in a matter of three days...having a show each day and getting 3(ish) hours of sleep in between. And that was only one of several such circumstances. Our schedule was packed, to say the least. But looking back, I don't think I would have it any other way.

We ended the Rewind Tour season having done 80+ shows, 70+ of which I was blessed to have had the opportunity to speak at, and visiting somewhere around 40 states (I lost track after 36, so 40 is just a guess. Haha). We did the very first outdoor event (and learned the to-dos and not-to-dos for future reference). We even got to bring some Jesus to Sin City!

Our team got to see the this ministry reach the 100,000 mark for people who have committed their lives to Christ at an SRT show. We have witnessed both the Kingdom and the abstinence movement growing in such huge ways!

All of that being said, after all I have seen and taken part in, I can't see myself walking away from this just yet. In August I will be heading back to Pittsburgh to do it all over again for the One Night Stand tour!

I absolutely can't wait to learn more, grow more, laugh more, cry more, and do more for the Lord's glory with some of my greatest friends from this past year and a handful of new faces I'll grow to love and adore the same.

Oh - and I promise to try to blog more and share more of my crazy journey along the way ;)

WARNING: This Is Cliche. And I Don't Care.

I told myself that, when the time came, I would NOT blog, tweet or post a Facebook status involving the lyrics to the most over-quoted Willie Nelson song. (You know which one. Don't pretend you're not singing it in your head right now.) I refused to be "that person."

Well.
Here I am.
Preparing to end my month-and-a-half break at home.
Preparing to leave for Pittsburgh once again on Thursday.
Preparing to embark on the last five-month stretch of tour.
And the song that I've resisted is the only thing playing in my mind (edited slightly to accurately describe my life)...


On the road again -
Just can't wait to get on the road again.
The life I love is (spreading the love of Jesus and traveling the country) with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again.

On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been.
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again.

On the road again -
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends.
Insisting that the world keep turning our way
And our way
is on the road again.

Come on. Too perfect, right? I just couldn't ignore it. (What's funny is that my family has been calling me a gypsy since I started in August. How appropriate then that this song would refer to a band of gypsies!)

I've been home since Thanksgiving, and while I've absolutely loved every second I've gotten to spend with my family, I am ready to get back out on the road with my SRT family. This stir God's placed in my heart doesn't take a break for the holidays just because I do. I've had plenty of time to rest. Now I'm refreshed and excited to return to life on the road. It's time for more states, more cities, more shows, more laughs, more memories, and ultimately more opportunities to see God move as we joyfully work to further His Kingdom.

And so, at the risk of sounding incredibly cliche...
I just can't wait to get on the road again.